The Monkey Is In.

So be prepared. Bring a banana.

I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

Filtering by Tag: The Balm

Ipsy January 2017 Review

As far as this subscription goes, 2017 is not off to bang up start. Yes, first world problems, I know. For those who are new here, Ipsy is a monthly subscription service. For $10 each month, you'll receive 4-5 sample sized (sometimes full) makeup, beauty, and skin care products. Check them out here: IPSY

I pay for this service with my own money and all opinions are my honest ones.

The theme for this month is Metropolis or some ridiculous bullshit. Whatever. The bag is...odd. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It's a soft plastic with a grey satin finish. The holed outer sheath over a solid bag is rather interesting. Definitely the most unique one so far. The products themselves are okay.

Crown Brush Beaute Basics C405 Contour Blush Brush: Whew, that's a mouthful. I love Crown Brushes. Super soft, the handle is ergonomically designed, and it's cruelty free. I don't contour but this works great as a blush/bronzer brush for me. Full size this goes for $7.50. If you need brushes but don't want to spend a shit ton of money, I recommend this brand! (CF)

Temptu Base Smooth & Matte Primer: Again with the airbrush products. Granted, you can use their stuff without one but the design of the bottle makes it a little more difficult. I'm not sure how this one works yet so I'm excited to find out. Full size is $35 for 1 ounce so this 1/4 ounce sample is approximately $8.75. (Site claims CF status but they sell to China).

Clarisea Instant Glow Lavendar Powder Exfoliant: I don't know about you guys but I really don't want to put a SALT scrub on my face. I've used sugar ones before, mixed with honey and oil, but that's as rough as I like to get on my face (wow...dirty). So I don't imagine I will be using this at all. Plus the top is cracked and the safety seal came off in the top like it had already separated from the jar. Um...no. Full size at 5 ounces is $14. This 1 ounce sample goes for $2.80. (CF)

TheBalm Bahama Mama Bronzer/Shadow/Contour Powder: I've always wanted to try this product because the beauty community on YouTube goes APE SHIT for it. I do love the brand so I was double excited to get this. Unfortunately as you can see from the swatch, this basically looks like a mustard based poop stain on my skin. Ick. It does blend out nicely so it's not terrible but I don't think I'll be turning to this for bronzing again. I don't contour so maybe I'll try is as an eye shadow. Full size (7 grams) goes for $20 so this .5 gram should be somewhere around $1.50. (CF)

Manna Kadar Cosmetics 3-in-1 Fantasy Eye Shadow: Apparently this can work as an eye shadow, blush, or highlighter (hence the 3-in-1 claim). The swatch doesn't do it justice. It looks like a champagne light tan gold but if you turn a little it definitely had a rose gold vibe to it. It's pretty pigmented and soft. It comes in one shade that's supposed to be good for all skin tones. Full size is $19 but can't find any pan amounts. I did find the travel size on Amazon, which is the same as what I've got, so it's worth $7. (CF)

This whole bag is about $27.50. Not a super value, Ipsy. I really only like the Crown brush and the Manna Kadar shadow. *le sigh* Perhaps February will be better. 

 

 

 

Ipsy November 2016 Review

Holy crap this month snuck up on me! When I got that pink envelope in the mail I was completely unprepared. Usually I feel like I've been waiting for months and months for it to show up...

Anyway, for those who may not know, Ipsy is a monthly subscription service. For $10 you get sample (sometimes full) sized beauty, skin, and hair care products in a reusable make up bag. Check them out here: IPSY

(I purchase this service with my own money and all opinions are my honest ones)

The theme this month is Rock Starlet, whatever the FUCK that's supposed to mean. OMG so useless! The bag is kinda cute, though. It's made of that neoprene squishy material which is cool. The little star zipper pull is also cute. But the products this month literally made me gasp out loud. Except the first one so let's get that out of the way.

Pur-Lisse blue lotus balancing moisturizer: I got an eye cream from this brand before and it stung like a mother fucker. Even the lip balm I got last month stings a bit. So I'm not happy to put more of their acid on my fucking face. I'll try to be brave but don't hold your breath. Full size is $55 for 1.7 ounces (fuck off) so this .5 ounce sample is probably around $18. (CF)

Eyeko Skinny liquid eyeliner deluxe in Black: I have heard so many great things about this brand so imagine my excitement when I got a sample of their liquid liner! I forgot to take a swatch pic but it's super black and dried very quickly with no smudging. Update: It's not that black on the eyeball and it does break down in the wing part, when I draw one obvi. But it can be layered without crumbling or looking like crap. The 2g full size is $18 so this 1.2 gram is just about $9. (CF)

Absolute New York Matte Stick in Dark Red: I love me some red lipstick! I tried to swatch it on my lips but with my new bite splint it looked kind of goofy (yes, I simply could have removed it but I just put it in and fuck you, it's my mouth!). But the swatch on my hand is GORGEOUS! The angle of the bullet is nice but it's not tapered so application is a bit messy. It dries down to look matte but does not feel drying at all. It's very comfortable. And it smells like candy! Not transfer proof, though, so keep that in mind! It looks full size which is $6. (CF)

Tarte Maracuja Oil: I'm not opposed to face oils and this one has had a lot of hype. With winter coming, I'm going to need extra moisturizing. This product, supposedly, also brightens and smooths skin's texture. It can also be used as a make up remover, hair tamer, and a cuticle oil. Though at $48 a pop, I'll save it for my face. This .7 ml sample costs about $20.

TheBalm Mad Lash mascara: I've never tried this brand's mascara before. Though the eyeliner I just reviewed was crap, I'm still excited for this. Apparently this product delivers great volume. I'll let you know. Full size (8 mls) is $18 so this 2.5 mls sample is around $5.50. (CF)

Overall this bag is valued around $58.50. And everything was from a brand that's cruelty free. Whoop! Good job this month, Ipsy!

 

PDs, MEHs, and GFYs November 2016

Ah...one of my favorite posts to write. Even though it's been a while, I don't have TOO much stuff but yeah, this will be a bit longer than my last few. That's okay. I can just bask in it for a little extra time this month.

I've purchased all of these products with my own money (or they came in a subscription box which I also paid for myself) so all opinions are my honest ones.

PD (PANTY DROPPERS)

Etude House Moisture Cleansing Oil: This stuff was awesome. Smelled great and did a fantastic job at removing all my makeup. (CF but ships to China)

Lunatic Cosmetic Labs: I found this brand through Tori Biohazard on YouTube. It's a small indy company so they don't have a shit ton of products. But they had a booth at the Flashback horror convention in Chicago this year so I thought it would be perfect to try them out. This eye shadow palette (Supernatural) is unbelievable. They are so pigmented and blend beautifully. And can we talk about this packaging? Hello, awesome party of one! (CF)

DIY Mask: I was looking for some homemade masks that would be good for dry skin. As I've said before I experienced some super dry skin this year and I still don't know why. But this mask recipe was awesome. I used it 3-4 times a week for a couple of months and my skin felt fantastic. There's a huge list on this page but I made #13, skipping the cucumber on my eyes part. It's just brown sugar, honey, and milk. That's it!

MEH

Milani Big & Bigger Lashes mascara: The formula on this is okay for volume but nothing stupendous. The brush is terrible. Plastic bristles that poke the shit out of my eye balls. If it had a different wand it would be all right. (CF)

ELF Lengthening & Volumizing mascara: Not volumizing at all but you can get a nice natural look from it. But then why would you buy this if that's what you want? The brush was nice but the tube dried up pretty fast. (CF)

ELF Poreless Face Primer: Though this is a nice silky soft primer, it's not good for oily skin. My face felt greasy all day after using this. I tried it a couple of times with different powders, foundations, and BB creams but the result was the same. If you have dry skin, this might work really well for you.

Hostess Chocodile Twinkies: Imagine my disappointment when these really tasted nothing like chocolate covered Twinkies. They basically taste like King Dons but vanilla. And stale. I could have gotten an older box (what'd you call me?) so I'd be willing to try them again.

GFY (GO FUCK YOURSELF)

Yes to Coconut Makeup Wipes: Dry as a popcorn fart and burned like fucking acid. (CF)

Yes to Cucumbers Calming Mask: Christ all mighty this thing burned like a mother fucker. Where's the fucking calm in that, ass holes? I had to take it off after about 2 minutes. What the fuck is this "Yes To..." brand doing with it's life?? (CF)

Juice Beauty Green Apple Brightening Moisturizer with SPF15: Way too thick so it never felt like it fully absorbed. It also broke me out. I know this is Gwyneth Paltrow's brand and all and everyone just looooves her but fuck that shit. Other products she's made are good but this stuff sucks ass. (CF)

NYX Angel Veil Skin Perfecting Face Primer: You've seen me rave on NYX stuff before but I have no idea why people love this crap. It absolutely accentuates dryness on the skin. It also balls up and/or flakes off when putting make up over it. Um...that kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think? Try harder next time. (CF)

The Balm Mr. Write Now (Scott) Eyeliner: This eyeliner is so fucking dry! It totally crumbles when I try to put it on. And you'd think my oily lids might help it out a bit. Noooope. For the price point on this, I expected better, especially since other products I own from this brand are pretty awesome. (CF)

Essence Waterproof Gel Eyeliner: TERRIBLE! The product is way too dry and if you try to layer it, it crumbles everywhere. It doesn't stay, or apply evenly, on the tight or water line. Um, isn't it supposed to be waterproof? Geez. (CF)

Aveeno Absolutely Ageless Restorative Night Cream: Though is smells okay this crap broke me out something terrible. I couldn't even finish up the tiny sample tube. Ugh. (NCF)

Too Faced Lip Injection Extreme Plumping Gloss: HOLY FUCKING ASS CRACKERS. This shit contains capsicum - you know, that genus of flowering plants called peppers that contain capsaicin which causes a BURNING SENSATION. Apparently beauty companies think this is an awesome ingredient to plump the lips and make them appear fuller. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? This shit burned so bad even AFTER I took it off. It left a red irritated ring around the line of my lips like I just gave a blow job to The Human Torch. $28 to feel like I've poured lighter fluid on my face then set it aflame?? FUCK YOU, TOO FACED. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR! (CF)

I love to end on a good rant.

That's it for 2016. I'll be back in a couple of months for another installment!

 

 

Ipsy October/November 2015 Reviews

Here's another double review for you! For those who don't know, Ipsy is a monthly beauty subscription service. For $10 you can 4-5 samples (sometimes deluxe sized, sometimes full) of beauty products. These can range from make up to skin care to hair products. Check them out!  (as always, I purchase this service with my own money and all opinions are my honest ones).  https://www.ipsy.com/

Let's start with October!

The theme for October was Alter Ego (whatever). Not that crazy about the bag. It looks like gold lame on the one side and black S&M vinyl on the back. 5 products came this month but I used some points to cash in on two extras.

Emite Slanted Tweezers: What needs to be said? They're tweezers. I actually needed a pair so it worked out for me but really, ipsy? Tweezers? Looking up this brand on-line, they are Swedish so I had to do a bit of conversion to get a value (read: Googled it). Apparently 200 Krona is about $22. FOR FUCKING TWEEZERS?!?

The Balm Meet Matt(e) Hughes Lipstick: (middle swatch) I've never tried the Balm lip products before and this shit is for real. Extremely long lasting (I ate a meal and some snacks and this stuff still stayed on), smells nice and minty, and it NOT drying at all. It does get really sticky as it dries down but the color doesn't peel or pull off. Does that make sense? Though I'm not crazy about the color - it's a little too warm for me - I'd be willing to spend $17 on a full size. This sample goes for around $3.50

Mica Beauty Cream Eyeshadow: (right swatch) I think I have other stuff from Mica. This cream shadow is a gorgeous gold/bronze shade (though this color is getting very tiresome from Ipsy). It's very pigmented and swatches nicely. Not patchy. I have no idea how it looks on the eyes because I can barely remove it from the back of my hand after 30 minutes of scrubbing with a makeup wipe. I'll need to get an oil based removed to see if that helps. Otherwise, I may never wear it, which would be a shame because it is pretty. It's an exclusive product for Ipsy so I couldn't find it on their site. Their regular mineral eye shadows are a similar weight and got for $15.

Lavanilla Laboratories Pure Vanilla Rollerball: I've reviews a lotion from these folks before and I didn't like the scent. It was way too heavy and artificial. That said, this roller ball perfume is everything I want in a vanilla scent! It's perfection in a tiny bottle! This mini size goes fro $12. I might consider purchasing the larger size at $19 (it's double the amount of the mini) but since I don't go through perfume all that fast I'd have to think on it. 

Ayres Hand Cream: I have a few other hand creams to work through so I haven't opened this one yet. The full size goes for $12.50 (1.4 ounces) so this .7 ounce bottle is about $6.25.

So this whole bag's value goes for almost $59. I'd say that's a steal, even if $22 of it goes for fucking tweezers. Lame.

The extras I got are:

Pixi Eyebrow Trio: It's a little baby palette of powders for brows. The highlight shade didn't swatch at all. The two brown shades take a lot of back and forth to get the damn color to show up. So if you want just a hint of color in your brows, something soft, this could work. But the pigmentation is so shitty I'm not sure it's even worth it. Definitely not worth $6 and not worth the points I wasted on it.

Befine Cucumber Mask: I can't even remember if I've tried this yet. I want to say yes because I wanted to know if the cucumber smell was crazy. And I don't believe it was. Full size (4 ouces) goes for $25 so this 1 ounce sample is about $6.

 

WHEW! Now let's get on to November!

Theme is Beauty Blast. Who knows? The bag is totally cute and colorful though the materials is similar to a vinyl pool toy. But I'm already over it.

Pantene Blowout Extend Dry Shampoo: I haven't tried this one yet as I have another can of Batiste to work through. But I'm a little nervous. My stylist (current and ones in the past) have warned me off Pantene shampoo products before so I'm not too eager to crack this baby open. Full size goes for $5-7 so this sample is probably around $2.

Tre'Stique Mini Matte Lip Crayon: I got the color Chili Red and I first I thought it was an obnoxious bright cherry color but it's a little deeper on my lips. It's definitely got a blue base so it works out for my skin tone. It feels like nothing is on your lips. Not drying at all and it lasts forever! I forgot I had the stuff on and it lasted through most of the day which included eating at least one meal and some snacks. I can't find the matte crayon alone (it's only paired with a gloss stick) and goes for $28. BUT you can purchase 3 mini crayons for $25 so I'd put this one mini's value at around $8.

Smashbox Full Exposure Mascara: I don't normally buy a lot of high-end makeup. But if something is really good, I seriously consider it. I got a sample of this and while I don't agree it adds volume at all, it does a beautiful job of separating and lengthening my lashes beautifully! I think it's the natural bristle brush - those are my favorite. Not sure if I'd spend $20 on a full size though. I don't know how much is in a full size but I'm guessing this sample of 3 ml is product 1/4 of a regular tube so figure on $5 value.

Absolute NY Nano Liner: I do love a good liquid liner pen. Though they have a tendency to dry out faster than the brush/bottle combos, they are a bit easier to use. I've only swatched this on my hand but it went on smoothly and you can make the line thin or thick. I believe this is full size which goes for $10.

Jelly Pong Pong Liquid Gossamer: I've heard of this brand but never tried it before. This is a liquid/cream product that you're supposed to use all over your face for a luminous look. I can't do that because my pores are as big as New Jersey so this kind of product just accentuates that. HOWEVER, it would make an awesome highlight and I'm kind of addicted to highlighters right now. The color is a gorgeous rose champagne and it doesn't look like there's a lot of chunky glitter in it. I don't mind a little but too much or too big comes off like little kid makeup. This is a full size tube and it goes for $23.

Overall I'm super happy with this month. It's value is probably just under $50 so even though last month seemed to have more value, I like the products in November's bag much better!