The Monkey Is In.

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I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

Filtering by Tag: body care

Morgue Drawer March 2018

Welcome to my trash! This is a post dedicated to all the products I've used up over the past few months so I'm pretty sure I know how they perform, smell, feel, taste, and wear on my personage. (AGAIN - these are reviews of how these products work for MY body). I'll provide links to all, assuming I can find them, so you can check them out for yourselves.




Essence Lash Princess Volume Mascara: Love this mascara, though this tube seemed drier than past tubes I've used. Could be I had it in my drawer too long!

Lunatcik Costmetic Labs lipsticks: I love the color on these but the bullets are so dry and sticky now, I can't even swatch them let alone use them on my lips. *sad trombone* Mine were the old packaging, apparently, so looks like you have to get the gold packaging now.

NYX Dewy Finishing Spray: I love this and it has replaced the ELF one I used to use.

Essence Eyeliner brush: I absolutely love this for gel liners. I imagine if I had a liquid one where the wand or brush went wonky, this would work great for that, too. And it's $2!




Bath & Body Works Body Cream (Jasmine & Vanilla): I know B&BW sells in China but I still haven't found anything to replace this scent, one of the best I've ever found in my life in a body product. The whole Sensual line is this combo of jasmine and vanilla and is pure heaven. This body cream is excellent. AND FUCK MY LIFE I CAN'T FIND IT ON THE SITE ANYMORE.

Simply Creative Living lip balm (peppermint): This was okay. I got it at the Clawson Farmer's Market, I think, from a local vendor. The quote on there also has a spelling mistake.

PurplecatCreatives Apothecary Body Butters: This is a seller on Etsy. I bought a 6-pack of minis to try out. These are super thick and hard to spread on the skin. BUT they're perfect for your feet. The Dragon Butter scent (dragons blood) was a little too heavy. The Candlelight scent (which I can't remember and there's no description - it's seasonal) was nice but a little perfumy. I'm using Lemon Chiffon now which is heavenly. 

Skin & Co Umbrian Truffle hand cream: Decent hand cream. Smells like coconut.




Marc Anthony Nourishing Argan Oil shampoo/conditioner: This stuff worked really well. The shampoos that say they're 'color safe' are useless. Find yourself a good moisturizing one and that will work much better. This line is really good - scent it nice, my color didn't fade too quickly, and my hair felt wonderful.

Hask Charcoal Purifying Dry Shampoo: I liked this one because it didn't leave a lot of white residue that most dry shampoos do. Smells good, too. Not the best dry shampoo I've used but decent!



Mario Badescu Facial Spray with rose water: I love this stuff so much. I'm still working on a giant bottle I got off HauteLook. I recently got the lavender one, too, and it's great to use before bed.

Formula 10.0.6 Day/Night Creams: I love these. The day has SPF15, which I know isn't a lot but it works fine. Nice cream and doesn't make me feel greasy. The night cream is great, too. It makes a great seal over my serum and oils.

Benton Honest Cleansing foam: This was a nice gentle cleanser. It was nice to take traveling, too.

The Ordinary Buffet serum: Love it. Works great. Will continue to buy!




Seventh Generation Free & Clear Wipes: I wanted to find some wipes to replace the small packs of makeup wipes I've used over the years. I don't use them on my face - mostly just for cleaning swatches. So why not baby wipes? These were pretty good. If I did need to take something off my face (a mistake perhaps?) these did sting a bit and left some lint behind. But for general swatches they were fine. Trying something different now, though.

ACT Restoring Mouthwash (cool mint): Since I've started Invisalign (last August), I worry about my teeth being covered up all the time and trapped food, etc. So in addition to more brushing and flossing, I use this mouthwash. I love ACT. This and the green flavor (mint - my preferred) do NOT sting at all.

Mitchum Dry spray deodorant: I discovered this brand when Secret stopped worked for me. And I really like the gel so I thought I'd give this a try. WAAAAY to heavy on the scent but the product works well. I'm back to the gel, though.

Tom's of Main toothpaste: I wanted to see if their non-fluoride sensitive toothpaste works as well as the maximum sensitive fluoride one. It does not. Plus I like having fluoride in my oral care as much as possible because I am cavity prone. But I can only find it at The Vitamin Shoppe - which is fine. I have a membership there!

Hello Sensitivity Relief toothpaste: Meh. Not a foaming paste, which is fine, but felt like I wasn't actually brushing with any product. Didn't help with sensitivity that much, either. The taste was bleh. But the worst part was trying to open the flip cap. I struggled a lot with it so will not be going back.

March Morgue Drawer

It's been EXACTLY 2 months since I posted my last MD. Way to keep on schedule, Monkey. WOOHOO!



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Mario Badescu Facial Spray - I use this stuff every morning after I wash my face but before I put on my moisturizer. It smells like roses and makes my skin feel soft. I'll mist this on during the day, too, if I want a little refresher. Already repurchased.

Chapstick Hydration Lock Day/Night - the day side, with SPF, was actually drying. Did not like at all. The night side was much better but I accidentally smooshed it before I could finish it up. Oh well.

Peter Thomas Roth Oilless Oil - Um, feels like oil to me, pal. Nice, light, worked as a good extra layer of moisture under my night cream. Not sure I'd use it in the summer though.

H2O+ Micro Collagen Moisturizer - felt soft, like a silicone primer, but my skin still felt tight and dry. Had to double up or use an oil underneath.

Be a Bombshell Lip Balm - LOVED this stuff. Very smooth and soft. Lasted on my lips for a long time.

Advanced Snail 96 Essence - I can't tell if this serum did anything but I liked the texture of it. Felt like a thin gel, not an oil. My skin did look nice but who knows if this alone was responsible.

Sephora Rose Eye Mask - It felt nice. Didn't really see a difference in my under eye though.

3W Clinic Masks - The Aloe mask felt super soft. Didn't feel like it did much, though. The Snail mask was dry as hell. The Milk mask was nice and my skin felt very moisturized after. (I linked the Aloe one but you can search for the others from there)

Missha Eye Patch - Technically, there were two. It actually burned a little. My skin felt dry after I took them off.

Hada Labo Anti Aging Mask - very nice mask, super saturated with essence. My skin felt really nice after. But anti aging? *shrugs*

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CVS Oil Free Eye Makeup Remover (dupe for Neutrogena brand)- meh. Does an okay job but it stung a little.

Nip+Fab Exfoliating Facial Pads - Loved these. Smell is good, soft and light. And they're not rough. The exfoliating comes from the glycolic acid, I believe. It did feel like there was a film on my skin but more of a protective one as opposed to that unclean feeling. Kinda cool.

Vasanti Enzymatic Face Cleanser - nice cleanser but way too harsh for my skin. It actually created bumps on my face. Not cool.

Simple Cleansing Micellar Water - meh. Does an okay job but it doesn't remove all makeup. It stings a bit on the eyes, too.

Montagne Jeunesse Cucumber Peel Off Mask - I've tried a bunch from this brand and this was just okay. The smell is super strong and I didn't see or feel any difference in my skin.

Skin Food 3-Step System - Egg White Pore Foam was a great cleanser. The Water Berry Serum felt super light and smelled great! The Miracle 10 Cream has a nice floral scent, moisturized very well, and it lasted all night. A great trio face care system.



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Mitchell and Peach Body Cream - nice light cream, absorbs well. Smells TERRIBLE.

Albertini International Divine Skin Hydrator - this is  the first in-shower moisturizer I ever used. Loved it! Doesn't leave the shower too slippery and the moisture lasted all day.

Etude House "My Castle" Rose Hand Cream - AWESOME AWESOME! This is a nice thick hand cream. Very moisturizing and it smells just like fresh cut roses. I have a lot of good luck with Etude House products.

La Vanilla Body Butter - I think I talked about this in a PD/MEH/GFY post. The cream is nice but the smell is so artificial and kind of sickening. Their perfume is awesome but this stuff sucks.

NSpa Coconut Body Butter - the smell is very artificial but the cream itself is fantastic. My skin felt soft all day.

Schick Hydro Razor - the moisture strip surrounding the blades wears out really fast but it's still a decent razor.

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Bath and Body Works Vampire Blood Foaming Soap - I've kind of fallen in love with foaming hand soaps. Smells like plums but it's very sweet - might be off putting to some. (this was a limited edition Halloween scent but the link will take you to the rest of their foaming soaps)

Caress Body Wash - these are good body washes. This scent is very strong but it didn't seem overpowering.

Marc Anthony Oil of Morocco Hair Spray - at this point, I will never buy another hair spray besides this one. Light hold, smells fantastic. This is my 2nd or 3rd travel size. I get the full sized can, too.

Oil of Olay Body Wash - this was very nice. Soft scent and really hydrated my skin.

Bath and Body Works Sensual Body Wash - LOOOOOOOOVE this scent. I have another bottle just waiting for me.


Okay. That should do it for this installment. Tune in mid May (probably AFTER Comic Con) for the continuing saga of shit I've used up...

August Morgue Drawer Part 1 - Skin Care and Body

As I like to watch a lot of YouTube, pretty much every beauty gal (or guy) has what is called an “empties” video. Basically it’s a list and quick review of products they have used up during the month. One girl I watched called her container of empties her ‘cemetery’ and I love the idea. Since I don’t want to steal that, I’m calling my shoebox full of crap my ‘Morgue Drawer’.

I also don’t go through shit all that fast so I will probably only do these every few months. And because of that, I’ll have a ton of shit to go through at once. So for my first attempt, I’ll break up the reviews/lists into two posts: Skin Care and Body; Hair and MakeUp.

Sound good? Well, even if it doesn’t I’m doing it any way.

The largest portion of crap belongs in Skin Care. I buy most of this myself but a lot of it does come in free sample form from Ulta or Sephora. Great way to try stuff without committing, especially if it sucks ass or costs more than a great pair of heels. I’ve taken conglomerate pictures of the products because several contribute to one aspect (wrinkle treatments, hydrating, etc.) and I also don’t want to post dozens of pictures of tiny tubes or foil packets that’ll eat up all my damn memory.

First up for skin care: Face Lotions and Wash


H20+ Hydrating Treatment: Neither heard of nor tried this brand before. Nice little sample size so I got to use it for a while. It was all right. Smelled nice but I didn’t notice any great hydration going on. And all their stuff is pretty dang expensive so noooope.

Derma e Night Creme: I love this stuff! It smells great and it was awesome in the winter. It can be pricey but not so bad that I’d never buy it again. The only reason I haven’t repurchased it yet is because I was a fucktard and bought a new night cream (based on how well a sample worked) that doesn’t really do jack shit in full size form. But I will buy it again. Oh, yes. I will.

Neutrogena Oil Free Moisturizer (SPF 15): I’ve been using this for years. It’s a nice lightweight lotion for the summer and I can double up in the winter, if I don’t have another thicker lotion to use. And since it has SPF, I don’t have to worry about whether or not my makeup has any. Score!

First Aid Beauty Face Cleanser: I bought a sample pack of this from Ulta because I’d heard a lot of good things about it. It’s one of those fragrance free, no harsh chemicals or colors, nice for sensitive skin products. And I have to say I really enjoyed using it. I don’t remember getting a lot (if any) break outs during its trial. A 2 ounce tube is $10, though, so it’s a little pricey.


Next up: Face Treatments (like anti-wrinkle or vitamins)

Strivectin-AR (Advanced Retinol) Night Treatment: I don’t subscribe to the idea that these ‘anti-wrinkle treatments’ do anything but smell nice or pump some extra moisture into your epidermis. But I’m pretty dang sure this shit did help with the small wrinkles around my eyes and some of the teeny stuff all over my face. So you can imagine how disappointing it was to discover that a 1.7 ounce tube is $100+. I mean, what the fuck? Are they high? Even if I could afford to spend that every month on wrinkle treatment ALONE, why in the name of all that is sacred would I do it? That’s like 10 Pop Vinyls I could add to my collection - and they won’t get used up! Fucking crazy people.

Lancome Visionnaire Advanced Skin Corrector: It looks like that cardboard fold out would contain a large foil packet, right? Wrong. I MAYBE got 2 nights use out of this so I have no fucking idea if it does anything worthwhile. 2.5 ounces is $58 (and the smaller the size you buy, the more expensive it is. Huh?)

Garnier Ultra-Lift Miracle Sleeping Cream: These was even less in this foil packet than in the Lancome. So yeah, have no idea if it works. And I think it’s one of those products that you have to use for a few weeks before you can tell so thanks for nothing. I have a coupon, though. Maybe I’ll lose a few IQ points this month and pay $15 instead of $17 for a full 1.7 ounce size.

Urban Decay Vitamin-Infused Complexion Spray: I think this is supposed to be like a face primer and toner in one but with vitamins. I don’t know if it did anything but it smells nice. The pump sprayer decided it didn’t want to work without leaking all over me about halfway through this sample. And for $33 for the full size (4 ounces) I don’t think I’m going to give it another chance.


Next: Face Masks

Bio Republic Sheet Masks: I got these in my June Ipsy bag. The Green Tea Detox was ok. I don’t feel like it deed any toxes but it felt nice. The Aloe Rescue was good and my skin did feel nice afterwards. But the Cucumber Breeze was the best. Most sheet masks that claim ‘soothing’ or ‘pore minimizing/anti wrinkle’ seem to work very well. And this was no exception. Plus is smelled awesome. They are $5 each, which is a bit steep for a sheet mask, but I might splurge every now and again.

Real Chemistry Luminous 3-Minute Peel: This was a sample of the first peel mask I’ve ever tried. IT WAS AWESOME. My skin had never felt so smooth before! It smelled like a spa so not perfumy (is that a word? it is now) or like artificial fruit. That said, however, a 1.7 ounce full size can cost between $40-$50 (depending on where you buy it). Um, no thanks.

Montagne Jeunesse Mud/Peel Masks: I’ve only ever seen these at Ulta and they’re just $2 a package (and I can get 2-3 uses from each) so I bought a handful to give them a try. The Mud Pac (anti stress) was meh and smelled like menthol. Passion Peel Off (deep cleanse, purify, protect) was okay. Smelled great though. Manuka Honey Peel Off (natural cleanser) was also okay. Smelled like straight up honey so if you don’t like that, don’t get this. But the Black Seaweed Peel Off (ultra deep cleaning) was awesome. The smell is a little odd but the product itself made my skin feel fantastic. I’ve already repurchased. They’re also cruelty free!


And now for the body stuff (bow-chicka-BOW-WOW):

Secret Clear Gel Antiperspirant/Deodorant: Except for a few times where I got bored, I’ve always used Secret. Pretty basic stuff here but I like the clear gel formula. I think over time it can build up white crap on your clothes but overall, it does a good job for me. I like different scents and they all seem to work equally well.

Skinfood Aloe Soothing Body Wash: I got this in the June 3B box. Though it seems to be a good travel size, I used it all up rather quickly. It also had little bits in it - like maybe they wanted to make it an exfoliant, too, but only had about 10 little beads to throw in. Weird. It smells great, though! I didn’t see it on their main site so you might have to buy it through Amazon or a Korean on-line market.

Bath & Body Works Jasmine Vanilla Body Wash: HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL THIS STUFF SMELLS AMAZING. I pray to all the gods that ever existed this stuff is not limited edition. I need moar!!! If you can believe it, I got this 10 ounce bottle FOR FREE from B&BW when I bought some candles earlier this year. Nice! And for $13, it’s a great buy because it lasted for months.


That's it for Part One. I'll probably type up the second list now but just have it auto publish in a few days. Why am I explaining that to you? Do I feel like you need to brace yourselves or something? Well, the categories ARE hair and makeup so yeah, it'll be awe inspiring I'm sure.