The Monkey Is In.

So be prepared. Bring a banana.

I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

August Morgue Drawer Part 1 - Skin Care and Body

As I like to watch a lot of YouTube, pretty much every beauty gal (or guy) has what is called an “empties” video. Basically it’s a list and quick review of products they have used up during the month. One girl I watched called her container of empties her ‘cemetery’ and I love the idea. Since I don’t want to steal that, I’m calling my shoebox full of crap my ‘Morgue Drawer’.

I also don’t go through shit all that fast so I will probably only do these every few months. And because of that, I’ll have a ton of shit to go through at once. So for my first attempt, I’ll break up the reviews/lists into two posts: Skin Care and Body; Hair and MakeUp.

Sound good? Well, even if it doesn’t I’m doing it any way.

The largest portion of crap belongs in Skin Care. I buy most of this myself but a lot of it does come in free sample form from Ulta or Sephora. Great way to try stuff without committing, especially if it sucks ass or costs more than a great pair of heels. I’ve taken conglomerate pictures of the products because several contribute to one aspect (wrinkle treatments, hydrating, etc.) and I also don’t want to post dozens of pictures of tiny tubes or foil packets that’ll eat up all my damn memory.

First up for skin care: Face Lotions and Wash


H20+ Hydrating Treatment: Neither heard of nor tried this brand before. Nice little sample size so I got to use it for a while. It was all right. Smelled nice but I didn’t notice any great hydration going on. And all their stuff is pretty dang expensive so noooope.

Derma e Night Creme: I love this stuff! It smells great and it was awesome in the winter. It can be pricey but not so bad that I’d never buy it again. The only reason I haven’t repurchased it yet is because I was a fucktard and bought a new night cream (based on how well a sample worked) that doesn’t really do jack shit in full size form. But I will buy it again. Oh, yes. I will.

Neutrogena Oil Free Moisturizer (SPF 15): I’ve been using this for years. It’s a nice lightweight lotion for the summer and I can double up in the winter, if I don’t have another thicker lotion to use. And since it has SPF, I don’t have to worry about whether or not my makeup has any. Score!

First Aid Beauty Face Cleanser: I bought a sample pack of this from Ulta because I’d heard a lot of good things about it. It’s one of those fragrance free, no harsh chemicals or colors, nice for sensitive skin products. And I have to say I really enjoyed using it. I don’t remember getting a lot (if any) break outs during its trial. A 2 ounce tube is $10, though, so it’s a little pricey.


Next up: Face Treatments (like anti-wrinkle or vitamins)

Strivectin-AR (Advanced Retinol) Night Treatment: I don’t subscribe to the idea that these ‘anti-wrinkle treatments’ do anything but smell nice or pump some extra moisture into your epidermis. But I’m pretty dang sure this shit did help with the small wrinkles around my eyes and some of the teeny stuff all over my face. So you can imagine how disappointing it was to discover that a 1.7 ounce tube is $100+. I mean, what the fuck? Are they high? Even if I could afford to spend that every month on wrinkle treatment ALONE, why in the name of all that is sacred would I do it? That’s like 10 Pop Vinyls I could add to my collection - and they won’t get used up! Fucking crazy people.

Lancome Visionnaire Advanced Skin Corrector: It looks like that cardboard fold out would contain a large foil packet, right? Wrong. I MAYBE got 2 nights use out of this so I have no fucking idea if it does anything worthwhile. 2.5 ounces is $58 (and the smaller the size you buy, the more expensive it is. Huh?)

Garnier Ultra-Lift Miracle Sleeping Cream: These was even less in this foil packet than in the Lancome. So yeah, have no idea if it works. And I think it’s one of those products that you have to use for a few weeks before you can tell so thanks for nothing. I have a coupon, though. Maybe I’ll lose a few IQ points this month and pay $15 instead of $17 for a full 1.7 ounce size.

Urban Decay Vitamin-Infused Complexion Spray: I think this is supposed to be like a face primer and toner in one but with vitamins. I don’t know if it did anything but it smells nice. The pump sprayer decided it didn’t want to work without leaking all over me about halfway through this sample. And for $33 for the full size (4 ounces) I don’t think I’m going to give it another chance.


Next: Face Masks

Bio Republic Sheet Masks: I got these in my June Ipsy bag. The Green Tea Detox was ok. I don’t feel like it deed any toxes but it felt nice. The Aloe Rescue was good and my skin did feel nice afterwards. But the Cucumber Breeze was the best. Most sheet masks that claim ‘soothing’ or ‘pore minimizing/anti wrinkle’ seem to work very well. And this was no exception. Plus is smelled awesome. They are $5 each, which is a bit steep for a sheet mask, but I might splurge every now and again.

Real Chemistry Luminous 3-Minute Peel: This was a sample of the first peel mask I’ve ever tried. IT WAS AWESOME. My skin had never felt so smooth before! It smelled like a spa so not perfumy (is that a word? it is now) or like artificial fruit. That said, however, a 1.7 ounce full size can cost between $40-$50 (depending on where you buy it). Um, no thanks.

Montagne Jeunesse Mud/Peel Masks: I’ve only ever seen these at Ulta and they’re just $2 a package (and I can get 2-3 uses from each) so I bought a handful to give them a try. The Mud Pac (anti stress) was meh and smelled like menthol. Passion Peel Off (deep cleanse, purify, protect) was okay. Smelled great though. Manuka Honey Peel Off (natural cleanser) was also okay. Smelled like straight up honey so if you don’t like that, don’t get this. But the Black Seaweed Peel Off (ultra deep cleaning) was awesome. The smell is a little odd but the product itself made my skin feel fantastic. I’ve already repurchased. They’re also cruelty free!


And now for the body stuff (bow-chicka-BOW-WOW):

Secret Clear Gel Antiperspirant/Deodorant: Except for a few times where I got bored, I’ve always used Secret. Pretty basic stuff here but I like the clear gel formula. I think over time it can build up white crap on your clothes but overall, it does a good job for me. I like different scents and they all seem to work equally well.

Skinfood Aloe Soothing Body Wash: I got this in the June 3B box. Though it seems to be a good travel size, I used it all up rather quickly. It also had little bits in it - like maybe they wanted to make it an exfoliant, too, but only had about 10 little beads to throw in. Weird. It smells great, though! I didn’t see it on their main site so you might have to buy it through Amazon or a Korean on-line market.

Bath & Body Works Jasmine Vanilla Body Wash: HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL THIS STUFF SMELLS AMAZING. I pray to all the gods that ever existed this stuff is not limited edition. I need moar!!! If you can believe it, I got this 10 ounce bottle FOR FREE from B&BW when I bought some candles earlier this year. Nice! And for $13, it’s a great buy because it lasted for months.


That's it for Part One. I'll probably type up the second list now but just have it auto publish in a few days. Why am I explaining that to you? Do I feel like you need to brace yourselves or something? Well, the categories ARE hair and makeup so yeah, it'll be awe inspiring I'm sure.