The Monkey Is In.

So be prepared. Bring a banana.

I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

PDs, MEHs, and GFYs July 2016

For the newbs...this is my version of the 'raves and rejects' that a lot of beauty bloggers/vloggers do each month. I do mine every other month but it's the same idea. The good (Panty Droppers); The Okay (Meh); and The Ugly (Go Fuck Yourselves).

(Cruelty Free: CF, Not Cruelty Free: NCF, and I don't Know: ?)



Makeup Revolution Beyond Radiance Palette: This is a great highlighter palette if you don't like a lot of shimmer or glitter on your face. These offer a soft, subtle sheen without the stripper element. I don't mind a little sparkle from time to time but if I want to tone it down, this is what I reach for. They are a UK brand and you can get all their stuff on their site but for this, I just linked to Ulta in the US. (CF)

Luxie Beauty Small Angled Brush: I'm not very good at drawing in my eyebrows (for those of you who know me, you know I don't have much). But this brush makes it SO easy to fill in what little I do have. And it looks very natural. The bristles are super soft, too. (CF)

Sulwhasoo Firming Cream: I don't think it firmed much of anything but it was a really nice moisturizer. My skin looked good after using it! But it's super expensive (NCF)



Secret Key Witch Hazel Toner: This stuff didn't smell like plain old witch hazel, which I like. It was more like strong Ivory soap. I just couldn't get past it. I only used it a handful of times before I couldn't take it anymore. You can get regular ol' witch hazel at the grocery store. (?)

Carlton Botanicals Smoothing Marine Cream: The texture feels very silky, thick, and it absorbed well. But the smell is rank and it stung my skin. Couldn't even finish this little sample jar. And it's $115 full size? What the hell? (CF)

Smashbox X-Rated Mascara: This did give good length and volume. It claims it can be layered but my lashes just ended up looking spidery. I know that's the trend now but fuck that shit. Also it smells like paint. UGH. (NCF)

Covergirl Exact Eyelights Mascara for Green Eyes: The formula for this was good. It's barely tinted purple, though, which is supposed to make green eyes pop or whatever. Couldn't tell and my eyes looked the same. Lame. (NCF)



NYX Liquid Suede: We all know how I feel about these. I got this in a Ipsy, I think. I was hoping a different color might be better than what I purchased for myself. Yeah...not so much. Patchy as fuck and the formula is just so terrible. Drying and useless. (CF)

Skinfood Royal Honey Essence: While the formula isn't bad this shit broke me out. Gods dammit, Skinfood. Why can't you be more consistent?? Why does every other product of yours that I use try to kill my skin? (?)

Badger Lip Balm: SO FUCKING DRYING! Is it me or is that the OPPOSITE of what a lip balm is supposed to do? Too much oil and not enough wax or butters. Felt like I put baby oil on my lips and then sat out in the bright sunshiny 90 degree weather. Ow. (CF)

Physicians Formula Mineral Wear Powder: This actually accentuates any dryness you've got going on. I think even when my skin wasn't feeling dry it looked like the Gobi desert with this crap. What the hell, PF? (CF)

Fekkai Styling Cream: Well, Fekkai can just Fuckoff. I looked like a total grease ball when I used this. Didn't matter if I only used a dab, if my hair was wet or dry. If by "brilliant glossing" they mean "looks like your hair was dragged through a vat of Crisco via an olive oil processing tank on the Exxon Valdez" then good job, guys. (NCF)


All righty. That'll do me for this month. Come back in September for more dancing and skipping, shrugging of shoulders, or throwing things into the Grand Canyon.