TWISTED KISSES

I was scanning through a bunch of articles I wrote a while back for Slack Jaw Punks. And I realized that website really isn’t functioning anymore. I haven’t posted there for a few years so it’s not surprising that the site’s demise went unnoticed. It’s cool to see they have a podcast but a website…not so much.

I thought it might be fun to revisit those articles and repost them at The Monkey House. Most of them had to do with movies in general (I think there’s a tv show list in there somewhere) so we’ll showcase them on this page.

For the first article, as Valentine’s Day is a week away, it seems appropriate to repost my top 10 list of gross-out spit-swapping in movies. I actually didn’t update it because all of these still stand true!

(Originally Published for Slack Jaw Punks, 2016)

After running some errands the other day and witnessing all the red and pink and hearts and lace and love and invasive décor reminding us all we’re almost out of time to buy more meaningless crap for our significant others so they’ll know HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM OH GODS DON’T LEAVE ME FOR JERRY IN THE MAILROOM I SWEAR I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT I CAN CHANGE…

What was I talking about?

Oh, right. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it got me thinking about kissing. But then again, what doesn’t? I wanted to highlight just a few movies that showcased the darker side of lip-locking. You know, the scenes that made you go…

 Or even…

I had to include one television example simply for its historical significance but the rest are mostly gag-inducing freak shows of cinematic saliva.

So take a peek. Think about them. Discuss them with your friends and family. Get in a fist fight over ‘em with your roommate. Maybe recreate them yourself, if you’re man enough.

WARNING: SPOILERS – but for cripe’s sake, the newest offering in my list is 15 years old. So stop crying. Just stop it.

Jethrine and Tyler, Beverly Hillbillies (the movie), 1993.  I know there are haters out there but this was one hell of a delightfully funny flick. Diedrich Bader plays Jethro Bodine, as well as his twin sister, Jethrine. This delicate little flower (all 6’2” of her) takes a shine to Tyler, played by Rob Schneider, a sniveling little con man. As the climactic wedding scene wraps up, Jethrine grabs Tyler and strong-arms him into a good 30-second smooch. Hysterical and not a little unnerving, especially watching Tyler try, and fail, to detach himself from the towering southern belle.

“I don’t have to give the dress back, do I?”

2. Anck Su Namun and Imhotep, The Mummy Returns, 2001.  The sequel to The Mummy (obvi) shows us bad boy Imhotep being resurrected, again. His reincarnated love joins him this time to destroy the world or escape Hell or something. Whatever. I have no problem with Patricia Velasquez kissing Arnold Vosloo (talk about yummy mummy). But when Anck Su Namun decides to lock lips with Imhotep’s resurrected rotting corpse, well, then I have issues that I just can’t resolve.

“You’re gonna put on some Chapstick first, right?”

3. Uncle Belvedere and Ramona, Cry Baby, 1990. I am not a huge John Waters fan. But this flick is chock full of camp and satire and black comedy so I just couldn’t turn away. Except for one part. I was pretty grossed out by everyone tongue-jockeying in the extreme-sport style French kissing scene up at Turkey Point (aka The Redneck Riviera). And as rock-n-roll awesome as Iggy Pop is, watching him slime someone’s face as he basically tries to swallow it is just too much for me to process.

“Did you have ring baloney for lunch?”

4. Kirk and Uhura, Star Trek, “Plato’s Stepchildren”, Season Three, 1968.  Say what you will about William Shatner but the man was hottie heaven in the 60’s. In the third season, Kirk and other members of the Enterprise crew are psychokinetically manipulated by an alien race because apparently being psionically endowed means you can be a giant ass hat (yeah, I had to double check the definition of psionically – shut up). Kirk and his Communications Officer, Uhura, are forced to kiss. Not only does it put a strain on the Captain/Crew professional relationship, it was the first interracial kiss aired on prime-time television. Pretty cool, huh?

“Watch the tongue, white devil.”

5. Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Brad (and Janet), Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975. Two hapless goody goodies stumble upon the home of a Transsexual Transylvanian mad scientist and his cronies. They are forced to stay, sans clothing, to witness the doctor’s incredible creation. For those who just don’t GET Rocky Horror, you may find the whole experience head-scratching bizarre. The kissing in RHPS is not twisted because Tim Curry is dressed in drag. It’s not because he goes for Brad after making the blond muscular love slave, Rocky, or that he then goes after Janet. It’s, uh, well…it’s…I think…I’m sorry. Can we just take a minute to bathe in the gorgeous glory of Tim Curry, please?

“Take a ride on my frank-n-furter. I dare ya.”

6. Brian and Meg, Family Guy, “Barely Legal”, Season Five (2006).  Meg, the only daughter of Peter and Lois Griffin, whom everyone hates or forgets about, can’t get a date for her prom.  So out of pity, the family dog, Brian, decides to take her. He drinks himself practically blind thinking it’s the only way he can tolerate the whole evening. Until he starts making out with her. Meg then develops an unstable ‘fatal attraction’ obsession with Brian. That poor dog.

“Was…was that even legal?”

7. Luke and Leia, Star Wars, 1977.  Okay. I don’t care if this is one of the best movie franchises EVAH. George Lucas wrote MULTIPLE SCENES with Luke and Leia kissing or almost kissing, even though he admitted early on that theirs was a familial bond! Siblings sucking face is just plain oogey even if the audience isn’t aware of the relationship yet. And don’t give me that ‘oh, they didn’t know at the time’ or ‘they’re just movie characters, you spaz’.  Being ignorant of the rules, or not truly bound to them because you’re not real, doesn’t exclude you from them. Period.

“Incest at its best.”

8. Jake Gray and Marisol, Devour, 2005.  Jake Gray gets involved in an on-line game called “The Pathway”. Once he’s in, people start to die and he suspects the Devil may be involved. As he investigates, the truths revealed are not exactly what he expected. Okay. I don’t care if the most beautiful man in existence is in this flick. Mothers and sons kissing each other is just plain oogey, even if they are The Devil and her Antichrist offspring and we expect that kinda behavior from them.  See #7 for the rest of the rant.

Any reason to post a picture of Jensen Ackles… I mean, just LOOK at the man.

 

9.  Sheila and Deadite Ash, Army of Darkness, 1992.  In this hilarious third installment (Yes, it’s no longer scary. It’s funny. Get over it.) Ash gets pulled through time and into the past, where he STILL has to fight Deadites in order to save the day and win the girl. Now, Bruce Campbell is sexy and adorable and who the heck wouldn’t want to kiss him?  But after Good Ash buries Bad Ash, who then rises from the grave as Deadite Ash, even The Chin can’t save him. So when DA clamps his rotten slimy mouth onto poor Sheila, make sure you’ve got the puke bucket handy.

“Do I have something on my face?”

10. Billy and Heidi Halleck, Thinner, 1996.  So Billy is a slimy lawyer who, while driving home one night, gets a little road head from his wife. And wouldn’t you know it? He got so distracted that he ran over an old gypsy, killing her. Now her son has cursed Billy to lose weight until he dies, UNLESS he passes the curse on to someone else. Naturally he blames his wife for this whole mess so why not give it to her? The curse takes only a good night’s sleep to run its course and the next morning Billy is so happy at seeing the gelatinous slip-n-slide his wife has become that he plants a big one right on her desiccated face. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

“Honey, I don’t think that new night cream is working.”

Now get out there and suck some face, people!