TWISTED KISSES

I was scanning through a bunch of articles I wrote a while back for Slack Jaw Punks. And I realized that website really isn’t functioning anymore. I haven’t posted there for a few years so it’s not surprising that the site’s demise went unnoticed. It’s cool to see they have a podcast but a website…not so much.

I thought it might be fun to revisit those articles and repost them at The Monkey House. Most of them had to do with movies in general (I think there’s a tv show list in there somewhere) so we’ll showcase them on this page.

For the first article, as Valentine’s Day is a week away, it seems appropriate to repost my top 10 list of gross-out spit-swapping in movies. I actually didn’t update it because all of these still stand true!

(Originally Published for Slack Jaw Punks, 2016)

After running some errands the other day and witnessing all the red and pink and hearts and lace and love and invasive décor reminding us all we’re almost out of time to buy more meaningless crap for our significant others so they’ll know HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM OH GODS DON’T LEAVE ME FOR JERRY IN THE MAILROOM I SWEAR I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT I CAN CHANGE…

What was I talking about?

Oh, right. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it got me thinking about kissing. But then again, what doesn’t? I wanted to highlight just a few movies that showcased the darker side of lip-locking. You know, the scenes that made you go…

 Or even…

I had to include one television example simply for its historical significance but the rest are mostly gag-inducing freak shows of cinematic saliva.

So take a peek. Think about them. Discuss them with your friends and family. Get in a fist fight over ‘em with your roommate. Maybe recreate them yourself, if you’re man enough.

WARNING: SPOILERS – but for cripe’s sake, the newest offering in my list is 15 years old. So stop crying. Just stop it.

Jethrine and Tyler, Beverly Hillbillies (the movie), 1993.  I know there are haters out there but this was one hell of a delightfully funny flick. Diedrich Bader plays Jethro Bodine, as well as his twin sister, Jethrine. This delicate little flower (all 6’2” of her) takes a shine to Tyler, played by Rob Schneider, a sniveling little con man. As the climactic wedding scene wraps up, Jethrine grabs Tyler and strong-arms him into a good 30-second smooch. Hysterical and not a little unnerving, especially watching Tyler try, and fail, to detach himself from the towering southern belle.

“I don’t have to give the dress back, do I?”

2. Anck Su Namun and Imhotep, The Mummy Returns, 2001.  The sequel to The Mummy (obvi) shows us bad boy Imhotep being resurrected, again. His reincarnated love joins him this time to destroy the world or escape Hell or something. Whatever. I have no problem with Patricia Velasquez kissing Arnold Vosloo (talk about yummy mummy). But when Anck Su Namun decides to lock lips with Imhotep’s resurrected rotting corpse, well, then I have issues that I just can’t resolve.

“You’re gonna put on some Chapstick first, right?”

3. Uncle Belvedere and Ramona, Cry Baby, 1990. I am not a huge John Waters fan. But this flick is chock full of camp and satire and black comedy so I just couldn’t turn away. Except for one part. I was pretty grossed out by everyone tongue-jockeying in the extreme-sport style French kissing scene up at Turkey Point (aka The Redneck Riviera). And as rock-n-roll awesome as Iggy Pop is, watching him slime someone’s face as he basically tries to swallow it is just too much for me to process.

“Did you have ring baloney for lunch?”

4. Kirk and Uhura, Star Trek, “Plato’s Stepchildren”, Season Three, 1968.  Say what you will about William Shatner but the man was hottie heaven in the 60’s. In the third season, Kirk and other members of the Enterprise crew are psychokinetically manipulated by an alien race because apparently being psionically endowed means you can be a giant ass hat (yeah, I had to double check the definition of psionically – shut up). Kirk and his Communications Officer, Uhura, are forced to kiss. Not only does it put a strain on the Captain/Crew professional relationship, it was the first interracial kiss aired on prime-time television. Pretty cool, huh?

“Watch the tongue, white devil.”

5. Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Brad (and Janet), Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975. Two hapless goody goodies stumble upon the home of a Transsexual Transylvanian mad scientist and his cronies. They are forced to stay, sans clothing, to witness the doctor’s incredible creation. For those who just don’t GET Rocky Horror, you may find the whole experience head-scratching bizarre. The kissing in RHPS is not twisted because Tim Curry is dressed in drag. It’s not because he goes for Brad after making the blond muscular love slave, Rocky, or that he then goes after Janet. It’s, uh, well…it’s…I think…I’m sorry. Can we just take a minute to bathe in the gorgeous glory of Tim Curry, please?

“Take a ride on my frank-n-furter. I dare ya.”

6. Brian and Meg, Family Guy, “Barely Legal”, Season Five (2006).  Meg, the only daughter of Peter and Lois Griffin, whom everyone hates or forgets about, can’t get a date for her prom.  So out of pity, the family dog, Brian, decides to take her. He drinks himself practically blind thinking it’s the only way he can tolerate the whole evening. Until he starts making out with her. Meg then develops an unstable ‘fatal attraction’ obsession with Brian. That poor dog.

“Was…was that even legal?”

7. Luke and Leia, Star Wars, 1977.  Okay. I don’t care if this is one of the best movie franchises EVAH. George Lucas wrote MULTIPLE SCENES with Luke and Leia kissing or almost kissing, even though he admitted early on that theirs was a familial bond! Siblings sucking face is just plain oogey even if the audience isn’t aware of the relationship yet. And don’t give me that ‘oh, they didn’t know at the time’ or ‘they’re just movie characters, you spaz’.  Being ignorant of the rules, or not truly bound to them because you’re not real, doesn’t exclude you from them. Period.

“Incest at its best.”

8. Jake Gray and Marisol, Devour, 2005.  Jake Gray gets involved in an on-line game called “The Pathway”. Once he’s in, people start to die and he suspects the Devil may be involved. As he investigates, the truths revealed are not exactly what he expected. Okay. I don’t care if the most beautiful man in existence is in this flick. Mothers and sons kissing each other is just plain oogey, even if they are The Devil and her Antichrist offspring and we expect that kinda behavior from them.  See #7 for the rest of the rant.

Any reason to post a picture of Jensen Ackles… I mean, just LOOK at the man.

 

9.  Sheila and Deadite Ash, Army of Darkness, 1992.  In this hilarious third installment (Yes, it’s no longer scary. It’s funny. Get over it.) Ash gets pulled through time and into the past, where he STILL has to fight Deadites in order to save the day and win the girl. Now, Bruce Campbell is sexy and adorable and who the heck wouldn’t want to kiss him?  But after Good Ash buries Bad Ash, who then rises from the grave as Deadite Ash, even The Chin can’t save him. So when DA clamps his rotten slimy mouth onto poor Sheila, make sure you’ve got the puke bucket handy.

“Do I have something on my face?”

10. Billy and Heidi Halleck, Thinner, 1996.  So Billy is a slimy lawyer who, while driving home one night, gets a little road head from his wife. And wouldn’t you know it? He got so distracted that he ran over an old gypsy, killing her. Now her son has cursed Billy to lose weight until he dies, UNLESS he passes the curse on to someone else. Naturally he blames his wife for this whole mess so why not give it to her? The curse takes only a good night’s sleep to run its course and the next morning Billy is so happy at seeing the gelatinous slip-n-slide his wife has become that he plants a big one right on her desiccated face. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

“Honey, I don’t think that new night cream is working.”

Now get out there and suck some face, people!

WHATS OLD IS NEW AGAIN (and sometimes again) (and maybe again)

I’m actually getting into an almost ‘real’ convention schedule again, so the next few weekends will be busy with pre-con prep and post-con exhaustion. These review posts won’t be as regular as I’d like, but I’ll do my best!

I’ve been itching to do this compare/contrast for a while, but the OG wasn’t available to stream anywhere. And, honestly, I didn’t want to buy it because it’s not a favorite. But I finally found it and now, here we are. Let’s take a look at 1960’s 13 Ghosts and 2001 Thirt13en Ghosts!

SPOILERS: As per usual, I will be spoiling plot points and story reveals. It’s not my fault if you haven’t gotten around to watching movies that are 20 and 60 years old.

Original Film: Thirteen Ghosts (1960)

Directed by William Castle (he of gimmick filled movies, this being no exception), 13 Ghosts is about an absent minded, penniless professor, Cyrus Zorba, and his family. After collectors come and taken away all their furniture and belongings, Cyrus gets a telegram from a lawyer named Ben Rush. He needs to speak with Cyrus immediately.

Turns out Cyrus’ uncle, Dr. Zorba, has recently died and left his estate to Cyrus. Apparently, Cyrus thought the man died a long time ago, but Ben tells him Dr. Zorba only wanted people to think he was dead. By doing so, he could conduct his crazy experiments in peace. Experiments that involved travelling the world and collecting ghosts. So not only does Cyrus inherit a fancy mansion, he and his family get the ghosts that come with it.

Of course, they laugh it off. How could that be true? Ben is not amused, and in fact tries to talk them out of taking possession of the home. But as Cyrus, his wife, Hilda, and children, Buck and Madea (wait…seriously?), have no where to live, they move in. Along with the house, and ghosts, Dr. Zorba left Cyrus a pair of weird glasses, though he didn’t leave a note explaining what the hell they’re for.

When they move into the house, they meet the housekeeper, Elaine (played by Margaret Hamilton – yep, the Wicked Witch of the West. Believe me, that comes back later.). She would like to remain on the job until she can find something else. She is a bit off-putting, but the Zorbas have no problem with her remaining in the house.

As they settle in that first night, Buck (oh, he’s so incorrigible) finds a Ouija board to play with. What could go wrong? As the answer to that scares the crap scared out of them, and Ben continues to bemoan the awful house and whole situation of the Dr. being found shredded to death, everyone just shrugs off the floating planchette and turns in for the night.

Once everyone goes to bed, the ghosts start acting up. Cyrus hears some strange noises and goes to investigate. He stumbles onto Dr. Zorba’s hidden laboratory! Using those strange glasses, Cyrus is able to see all the ghosts that are, in fact, stuck in the house. At one point, a giant spinning wheel of fire attacks him and Cyrus is actually hurt. Cyrus grabs a book, written in Latin, and skedaddles the fuck out of that damned lab. He speaks to his boss the next day, showing him the book and asking for help in translation. At first, the boss thinks this Dr. Zorba guy is a kook. But after cross-referencing some articles at the University that speak of a Dr. Zorba and his ability to capture ghosts, he’s not so sure.

The book describes the eleven ghosts Dr. Zorba captured, plus the twelfth ghost – which is the doctor himself! He states he will stay in the house in order to get revenge for what was done to him (WHAT WAS IT???). Before they can read more, Hilda calls for Cyrus to come home ASAP.

When he arrives, a few of the ghosts are wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Buck explains everything, that Emilio is the ghost of a chef who murdered his wife and her lover, sister-in-law, and mother-in-law. He’s all very non-plussed about the whole situation. Turns out, the housekeeper told him about all the ghosts and now Cyrus needs to know more.

Though Dr. Zorba left her out of his plans right before he died, Elaine used to help him with his experiments. When he was alive, he could control the ghosts. But now that he’s dead, they’re getting all cantankerous and aggressive. She also explains that the doctor converted most of his assets to cash and withdrew all the money from the bank. He hid it somewhere in the house but she doesn’t know where.

That night, after Madea is attacked by one of the spirits (or so we assume…), Cyrus says they need to leave. Ben thinks that’s a great idea. You don’t need to search for the hidden fortune – it probably doesn’t exist anyway. Yeah, get out. The sooner the better. Like, now.

Hmmm…not suspicious at all there, Ben.

But before they leave, Cyrus’ boss translates more from that Latin book, finding a clue to where the Doc probably hid his money. If only they could find the medium that Dr. Zorba worked with when he was alive, they could ask her to contact the doctor’s spirit. Well, holy shit. Wouldn’t you know the housekeeper, Elaine, was just that medium!

They ask for her help and if they find the money, they’ll move out in the morning.

Well, things get pretty scary as they contact Dr. Zorba. He warns them that someone is going to die tonight, completing the thirteen-ghost collection. And, if you can believe it, Ben tries to MURDER BUCK, the 10-year-old boy who’s keeps falling for the lawyer’s lies about finding the money for the family. Dr. Zorba pops up just in the nick of time, allowing Buck to escape and forcing Ben into the boy’s place, where he is crushed to death and becomes the 13th ghost.

The final scene shows us the family counting out a pile of cash, while Buck talks to Elaine about the spirits. They’re gone but they’ll be back. Buck hopes real soon before he skips off screen, probably wishing to see more people murdered (weird fucking kid) and the special ghost-seeing glasses explode. Elaine picks up a broom, breaks the 4th wall, and moves away. As the front door to the house slowly closes on its own, all the ghosts pop up in the foyer one at a time, including Ben, then the words, “House for Sale”, magically appear over the door.

Uh…okay.

This movie has a much more fun, silly, tongue-in-cheek attitude than I remembered. I mean, there are parts that are rather somber and disturbing, but over all its more lighthearted than the usual horror fare.

The character development was better than I thought. None of the main characters felt superfluous or unnecessary. The twists of Ben being a bad guy and Elaine being a medium would surprise most first-time viewers. Ben is helpful, courteous, and courting Madea throughout the film, though as we discover, it was probably just to give him an excuse to keep coming to the house to find the hidden treasure. Also his attempted murder of a child…I’d forgotten about that. That was some dark shit against the backdrop of breezy humor.

The effects…well, remember this is 1960 and technology was not what it is today. However, as this was a William Castle film, the movie was filmed in “Illusion-O” and the viewer needed special glasses to see the ghosts. They looked like 3-D glasses but, unlike those, the viewer could look through one color filter with both eyes. The red intensified the appearance of the ghosts, while the blue made them appear more faded. And from what I read, the DVD release of the movie included a pair of these glasses.

Yeah, I might have to go buy it now.

However, I think the artistic renderings of the ghosts in the opening credits were scarier than those in the film itself. Which isn’t that surprising, actually. And some of those ghost sequences went on FAAAAR too long. Buck sees the lion tamer and lion in the basement, and watches them move back and forth for at least five minutes. The movie is only an hour and a half, but with some of these f/x scenes, it dragged the story down and just padded the run time.

The acting is mediocre, and I wish they explained why Buck was so fucking fascinated by death. He really wanted to see someone murdered in real life, and says that out loud several times. For such a precocious kid, it really seemed to set the stage for Buck to become a serial killer later on. Someone should have made THAT sequel.

In general, it’s a typical Castle B-horror movie that’s enjoyable, with some genuine scares, creep-factor, and wholesome dad-joke style humor.

And now on to the 2001 remake, Thir13en Ghosts.

If you’re not into the more humor-laden or silly horror films of the earlier decades, then honey, hold on to your tits because this does a 180 from the OG film.

Some of the story elements are similar, like the special glasses needed to see the spirits, and Cyrus’ name, and…uh, that’s about it. Let me break it down a bit more.

The opening scene shows us Cyrus Kriticos as he, his employed psychic, Dennis, and gaggle of security guys (I guess) hunt down the violent and terrifying ghost of a serial murderer. While a do-gooder, Kalina, and her friend, Damon, protest with empty threats, the behemoth spirit makes an appearance and murders nearly everyone present, including Cyrus and Damon.

THEN we get the opening credits. What a great way to start a film, people.

Arthur Kriticos, his wife, Jean, and their two kids, Kathy and Bobby, live a happy, wonderful life. That is until a fire devastates their home, kills Jean, and forces the rest of the family to struggle daily with financial woes. One day, a lawyer contacts Arthur and arrives at his apartment with a digital recording from Arthur’s uncle, Cyrus.

Unfortunately for Cyrus, he’s dead now. But that’s good news for Arthur and the fam. As Cyrus’ sole heir, Arthur inherits everything. Cyrus led a life in search of knowledge and, um, stuff. So the unique house and all the treasures inside belong to Arthur now. He’ll never have to worry about money again.

They meet the lawyer at the house the following evening, greeted by Dennis disguised as a power company employee who says he needs to check the breakers. Everyone heads inside, after Arthur uses the most ornate key I’ve ever seen, to open the door. When he does that, some kind of machine kicks on in the basement.

Hmmm…what’s that all about?

While Arthur and the lawyer discuss specifics, Kathy, Bobby, and housekeeper, Maggie, explore the home. Dennis heads downstairs, looking for the money that Cyrus owed him. There he finds the entire basement filled with containment cubes – large, glass containers, scribbled over with Latin texts. After suffering a seizure (which is what happens when Dennis gets a psychic impression), he pulls out a pair of the special glasses used to see the spirits. Every cube in the basement contains a ghost.

Okay, screw the money. Dennis needs to warn Arthur and his family. The lawyer tries to discredit the whole story, and Dennis’ behavior, but he knows the truth about what Cyrus was up to. But as the machine in the basement winds up, the house walls shift, blocking the exit, and making the house more confusing to navigate.

It’s also releasing all the violent angry spirits from their confinements.

Luckily for the family, Kalina shows up during one of the shifting moments. She came to free all the trapped souls in the house, and turns out, save their lives. She and Dennis don’t get along too well, as you may imagine, but it’s a good thing she shows up as she explains what the hell is going on.

Yeah, its an exposition dump, but it’s so very interesting to me.

The house is actually a machine that Cyrus built. By powering it with the energies of specific ghosts, it will open the Oculus Infernum, the all-seeing Eye of Hell. If knowledge is power, then the man who controls the eye is the most powerful of all. Eleven of the trapped ghosts have been released, and the house needs twelve.

But Dennis remembers that Damon said something about Cyrus needing a 13th ghost, which he’d never be able to procure. According to Kalina, it’s actually a failsafe. It stops the machine from becoming completely functional. The 13th ghost has to be a living sacrifice, someone willing to give up their own life to save another. And because Arthur’s dead wife is one of the spirits trapped (sweet Jeebus, can you imagine?), and his kids have disappeared and are assumed in great danger, he needs to become that 13th ghost to save them.

Determined to save his family, Arthur heads out into the house with Dennis, taking one of the glass walls covered in Latin containment spells, to search for the kids. Maggie and Kalina go to find the ‘engine’ of the machine and prep C4 bombs just in case Arthur fails.

Except Kalina isn’t trying to stop shit. She’s actually in love and league with Cyrus, who faked his own death to lure Arthur and his family. After getting Kalina to put the kids in genuine danger, Cyrus tricks her into a trap where she is killed.

Ah, l’amour.

After all the ghosts have been summoned, and the kids put right in the middle, Arthur notes Cyrus standing off to the side watching it all. Well, that doesn’t make much sense unless…Arthur figures it all out, confronting Cyrus and getting his ass handed to him. Fortunately, Maggie has a trick up her sleeve. Though Kalina knocked her out, she didn’t kill her. So Maggie starts pulling levers, turns off the summoning spells, and jacks up the machine into self-destruct mode. Free from their capture, the twelve ghosts turn on Cyrus and kill him before traipsing off into the afterlife.

Arthur and his children survive, Jean comes to say one last goodbye (thankfully not in her hospital gown and burned flesh), and Maggie takes her ass back to NY and away from all these crazy white people.

FIN

A lot of people blast this movie with hate. And I guess I can understand. A little. I, personally, find this remake to be one of the few that is BETTER than the original.

One of the reasons I can make that statement is the acting. With actors like F. Murray Abraham, Tony Shalhoub, Matthew Lillard, and Embeth Davidtz, it’s not like you’re going in expecting Amateur Hour during open mic night at the local choke and puke. F. Murray’s Cyrus is played with over-the-top gusto, which works for a megalomaniac; Tony’s Arthur reflects a man who’s been beaten down by circumstances beyond his control; Matthew plays a wonderfully greedy coward in Dennis, but also gives him depth as he tries to navigate the new world of ‘good guy’; and Kalina, that poor naïve love-sick woman whose rose-colored glasses obscure the man Cyrus really is, and the criminal she’s become for him. There’s much more emotional attachment to the characters in this film than the original and I’m not ashamed to say I cried several times throughout the movie.

Another reason is the dark, bloody, violent nature of the visuals and the story itself. It takes the bright mood of the original and throws it in the dungeon, pees on its head, then locks it up for all eternity. Granted, the remake tries its hand at some humor, though most of it doesn’t hit its marks. Dennis’ jokes are probably the best, and Maggie has a good zinger about crazy white people, but otherwise, the humor falls flat.

The ghosts in this version are terrifying. Gone are the cheesy Castle gimmicks. These ghosts represent harsh realities, gruesome deaths, and violence beyond comprehension. There are times we get sneak peeks of them, even when the characters in the film can’t see them. Even after their introductions, we don’t always get long, solid looks at them. I think that makes them a bit scarier, more intriguing than if they ran around in full view all the time. The editing helped a lot with that, though I know some reviewers were mad about it, or thought it too distracting.

Whatever, Roger Ebert…

I think the story is more fully developed, and it probably helped that the writer of the original film was the writer on the remake. Giving the characters more depth, a believable motivation for the ghost collecting, containment and summoning spells, even the book that contains the information of the ghosts themselves, the Black Zodiac, created such a richer world for us to get lost in.

The visuals were gorgeous. Dark and bloody, but spectacular. The same production company produced the House on Haunted Hill remake so that would explain why I thought they had the same look and feel. Higher on the gore factor, hyper violent but without unnecessary animal deaths (let’s be honest – no animal deaths are ever necessary). I also loved that the house shone with bright gold or sparkling elements, but the basement was filled with shadows, rusty electronics, and blood.

The only things I didn’t enjoy were the more obvious CGI effects. Kalina’s death, the machine itself, Kathy’s sudden wounds as The Jackyl attacks her, and the burned-out house at the end look pretty crappy. The spells in the glass are cool, and Cyrus’ death as he’s torn apart looks pretty convincing. But the majority of the kills and blood effects were practical, which I appreciate. The lawyer’s death is one of the more unique kills I’ve ever seen in a film.

This film gets more shit than it really should. Is it a perfect film? No, and I don’t know many out there. But from character development, story depth, practical f/x, photography, editing, music, general production, and the talent pool available here, it’s a well-made film that offers a lot of disturbing elements, creepiness, emotion, and, in the end, a little bit of hope.

The remake outshines the original in nearly every way. So the winner here has to be the 2001 remake, Thir13en Ghosts.

WINNER: 2001 Remake Thir13en Ghosts!

WHAT’S OLD IS NEW AGAIN (and sometimes again) (and maybe again)

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be good to do a compare/contrast review of the 1981 original My Bloody Valentine and its 2009 remake. While the stories of each film don’t necessarily revolve around the holiday itself (no one was a jilted lover or humiliated by the object of an affection), the catalyst for the mayhem happens to occur on said holiday, and takes an eerie hold over each town on February 14 each year.

WARNING: There will be spoilers! The original movie is thirty-nine years old, and the remake is eleven. So don’t be a whiny ass bitch if I reveal major plot points, okay?

Let’s start with the original – 1981’s My Bloody Valentine

(directed by George Milhalka; written by Stephan Miller and Beaird)

1961, Valentine Bluffs: During a 100-year Valentine’s Day dance tradition, five men are trapped in an explosion in the town’s mine. The two supervisors, eager to finish work and get to the party, forgot to check the methane levels while the miners were in the tunnels, and…BOOM. Six weeks later, rescue workers finally get through only to find one survivor  – Harry Warden. How did he do it, you ask? By killing and eating his coworkers, of course! Naturally, he went insane during the ordeal, and was committed to a mental institution. Exactly one year later, Harry breaks out, and murders the two supervisors responsible for the tragedy. He extracted their hearts, put them in heart-shaped candy boxes, and left them at the town’s dance with a warning: don’t ever have another Valentine’s Day dance again, and he will return every year to make sure they heed his warning.

Twenty years later, the town is having their first Valentine’s Day dance since that terrible day. Kids today don’t give a damn about Harry Warden and all that mumbo jumbo. Especially TJ, who’s returned to town to win back his girl, Sarah, despite her on-going relationship with his old pal, Axel. Tensions ensue, as you might imagine, but it’s nothing compared to what’s coming for them all.

Unfortunately, Harry must have gotten wind of their party plans because the Mayor receives a heart-shaped box, and it ain’t holding a bunch of candy. It contains the bloody heart of…someone (titty woman in the opening scene – no biggie, let’s move on). They can’t prove it’s Warden, but it puts the Mayor and the Sheriff on edge, especially since the mental hospital Harry was committed to has absolutely no record of Harry Warden, which means he’s dead, been transferred, or escaped!

Once another member of the community is murdered, complete with jaunty little rhyming note from Harry Warden, this puts all the old timers on lockdown. The dance is canceled, dammit! But those dang kids just won’t take no for an answer. They decide to have one anyway, in the little union hall next to the mine. What a splendid idea!

Harry takes exception to this, and starts murdering the party goers, one by one.

You will eat it and you will LOVE it!

I can’t exactly explain why, but this is one of my all-time favorite slasher films from the 1980s, and probably ever. It’s not that the acting is superb, or that I don’t see faults in the film. I do. But maybe it’s the purity of the movie that I like so much. This is not one of those big budget, Hollywood monstrosities, packed with beautiful, insipid celebrities. No backlots or sound stages. It was filmed in a real mine, and a real small town in Nova Scotia, Canada.

Most of the characters are developed well, so we care about what happens to them. I really want TJ to win Sarah back, but I feel bad for Axel at the same time; the town launderette maven, Mabel, has a crush on the Sheriff, but he doesn’t find out until after she’s dead (I honestly cried when he received a box of candy from her, post mortem); and honestly, I want Harry to kill EVERYONE.

That said, the bartender (named Happy, if you can believe that) is the cliché of ‘old grumpy man who warns others of trouble’ character. But when he slings the word ‘asshole’ all over the place, it makes him so likeable. Because he ain’t wrong, my dear viewers. And sure, Patty and Howard are annoying as fuck, and a lot of the minor characters are there as fodder. That just means we can enjoy the practical effects of the kills instead of worrying about the absences those deaths bring.

I think the only CGI special effect was the dripping hearts of the opening title – and that was probably good, old fashioned animation. The kills, body parts, blood, crashes and explosions, were all done with practical effects. Several somber scenes (say that five times fast) were given that element of despair or terror because of something simple, not some cheap shitty computer graphic. After the murders start, and the dance is canceled, we can see random paper hearts and streamers blowing down the street, reminding us what could have been. And one scene in the mine, in the area where the men change out of their coveralls, is creepy as fuck. Especially when the clothes start dropping down from the ceiling randomly, putting one character in a maze of coal dusted uniforms and gas masks, before she’s murdered.

The big reveal at the end felt sort of tacked on. Like, ‘Oh, shit. Remember Axel’s dad was one of the supervisors that Harry killed twenty years ago…yeah, that would fuck anyone up, right?’ I mean, I know this is Podunk, Canada, and the eighties, and behavioral sciences weren’t what they are today, but…

However, I do love the fact that Axel survives, and the end shot is just of him, running deeper into the mines, calling out to Harry and laughing manically. The last thing you see is the light on his helmet as it gets smaller and smaller, and then winks out.

So aside from the little nitpicky elements that are really more my hang-ups than real faults that detract from the film (which they don’t), MBV 1981 is a fantastic early slasher film that hits all the right spots at the all right times.

Now, let’s check out the 2009 remake of My Bloody Valentine

(directed by Patrick Lussier, screenplay by Todd Farmer and Zane Smith)

NOTE: The original theatrical release utilized 3D technology, but I’m not going to comment on that aspect. 3D is cool and all, but it gives me a headache, and I never watch that version on the DVD I own.

Most of the basic story elements are the same, but there are a few twists and turns.

The film opens just after the mine collapse, and finding the lone survivor, Harry Warden, but he’s in a coma. After some amount of time, Harry wakes up and starts slaughtering everyone. And I mean everyone that crosses his path, whether they were responsible for the mine explosion or not. All the miners blamed Tom Hanniger, the owner’s son, but he consistently pleads his innocence while trying to pick up the pieces of his life now.

While part of the mine is closed, that doesn’t stop the young population of the town from partying in the abandoned mine shafts. Tom is a little leery of going in (for obvious reasons) but his friends, Axel and Irene, and girlfriend, Sarah, think he just needs to relax. And as soon as he does, Harry shows up and kills more people. While Tom takes a pickaxe to the shoulder, his friends and girlfriend skadoodle.

But that’s okay because the sheriff shows up just in time to blow Harry Warden’s ass into grass, right in front of Tom, who’s splattered with Harry’s blood. Harry runs off into the mines, but another cave in finally finishes him off for good.

Awesome.

Ten years later, Mr. Hanniger dies, and Tom returns to town to sell the mine. His former friend, Axel, is now married to his former girlfriend, Sarah; the entire town is pissed off because who knows what will happened after the mine is sold. But what does Tom care? He just wants to get back out of town and live a normal life, albeit with the aid of modern pharmaceuticals and PTSD.

I am all that is man!

Unfortunately, Tom’s plan to sell the mine brings Harry Warden back, and he’s on a tear to kill everyone. Again.

But is it Harry? Or is something else more sinister going on?

I admit – I only went to see this at the theater because Jensen Ackles plays Tom Hanniger. Jensen on the big screen, in 3D? Heeellllllz yeah. Probably not the best reason to spend $8 on a movie ticket, but I personally believe I got more than my money’s worth.

And the film wasn’t all that bad either!

Right off the bat, this version of MBV is much gorier, and seems to have a higher body count than the original, though according to Dead-Meat Wiki, the remake only has a couple more in total. (My copy of the original was the super edited version to avoid an X rating at the time; hopefully I’ll get my hands on the uncut/restored version someday.) There are hacked up bodies all over the hospital, and scattered throughout the mine. And this is all before Harry is killed in a cave in. Aside from the 3D stuff, the kills are made with practical f/x, and some are damned entertaining.

The main characters are well developed. Aside from some opening exposition, we get to witness people’s actions to let us know who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy. And I do love that we get to find out that Harry is really dead, according to the men who murdered him (what, he didn’t die in a mine collapse? The hell you say.) So we now have a good five suspects to choose from as we try to unravel this mystery.

But then as they all die off, we’re left with Axel and Tom. Axel is a great red herring. There’s a lot of shit going on with him – an affair, pregnant mistress, stress at Tom’s return (knowing his wife loved Tom ten years ago), and stress with all the murder. But after watching this film a couple of times, it becomes pretty damned evident that Tom’s been the killer since his return.

My theory is he broke when Harry was shot in front of him years earlier, and even with therapy and drugs, he’s still riding the struggle bus. When he comes back to sell the mine – the memories of that horrible accident, seeing his love married to a philandering asshat, everyone getting pissed off at him – his mind snaps for good, and he becomes Harry. The big reveal scene is pretty damned effective as we see the change come over Tom, and he is lost forever.

Like I said, the killings practical (sans 3D), but there is one computer generated effect seen while Tom is moving down through the mine to kill Sarah and Axel. As he passes each hanging light, he smashes it with a pickaxe, and the image of Harry, in full mining regalia, is superimposed over Tom’s body. Very effective, and rather chilling. And of course, the final scene, after Harry (Tom) sneaks out of the collapsed mine in a rescue worker’s uniform, he offers the camera a quick, knowing glance, before disappearing off into the night.

Yaaasssss….

While this is not a perfect remake or reimagining (are there any of those?), this was done well and we end up with a very entertaining film, with lots of blood and gore, and just enough story twists/changes that freshen up the legend a bit.

So basically, the take away here is both films are good and worth watching (maybe the original a titch more because this is my column and I say so). Maybe watch both and see which one works better for you or if you are entertained equally by both. It could happen…

Long Live Harry Warden!

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WHAT’S OLD IS NEW AGAIN (and sometimes again) (and maybe again)

Here at the Monkey House, my writing projects have been a bit on the sparse side. And it’ll still be lacking for a while (busy season at the hubby’s store and I help out, so that takes time away from my creative ventures). But as Friday the 13th rolled around last week, I thought that would be the perfect opportunity to springboard a new series at my site: comparing/reviewing original films and their remakes. Some have more than one remake or reboot or whatever the fuck Hollywood calls it to distract you from their lack of originality, but I’m not sure I’ll cover each and every one.

And for the most part, I’d like to concentrate on movies that AREN’T based off books. Each of those films can be seen as different interpretations, as opposed to strictly remakes, but that’s mostly semantics, and I don’t have the time or energy to debate which is which.

I’m not going to worry too much about spoilers because a lot of these original films came out pre-MTV (that’s 1981 for those of you playing at home). If you’ve neither seen nor heard of them, that’s on you. Not me.

So let’s get going with Friday the 13th vs Friday the 13th.

Original 1980

For the uninitiated, here’s the back story: in 1958, Camp Crystal Lake is the site of a tragic drowning of a young, special needs boy, named Jason. The campers who were supposed to be paying attention to all of their young charges (not just Jason) we’re making love instead, so it’s basically their fault the kid died. After someone murders them, the camp is shut down and abandoned. Just a hair over twenty years later, some do-gooders decide to open the camp back up for another generation of youngsters. Unfortunately, an unknown killer doesn’t take too kindly to that idea, and decides to murder them all.

This film is part of the original generation of slashers - masked or unknown killer going after a group of young people because reasons. Some explain why, some don’t, but either way you know the shit’s gonna hit the fan if you’re under twenty-five. I personally liked the story/reasoning behind the F13 killer because it’s universal. I think most of us can relate to or understand the need for revenge, particularly after the loss of a child. Granted, the 1980 counselors-to-be aren’t responsible for Jason’s death, but to the broken heart of a mother, thinking her son’s memory could be left in peace, that’s enough to shatter her psyche even further and honestly, I’m on her side.

As for the acting in this film, it’s pretty bad, though for a bunch of unknowns, it’s not terrible. I really liked Laurie Bartram as Brenda, and it’s a nice, albeit shallow, vehicle for Kevin Bacon. Obviously Betsy Palmer is the real star here, though we don’t see her until the last ten minutes of the film. But her performance, as the broken mom on a tear for revenge, is brilliant. I also love that her last real-world movie performance was 1959 (the year before Jason drowned) and she only took this role because she needed to get a new car, thinking it would be a quick paycheck and no one would even remember the film.

Adorbs.

The characters are mostly throw-away, in my opinion, but there does seem to be less douchebaggery in the original than the remake. 1980’s Neddy, while annoying, isn’t an asshat so we can forgive him, unlike Trent, from 2009, who is just such a total fuckwad. Everyone else is either set dressing for a particular scene or fodder for the kill count. But I’d like to point out that, despite Roger Ebert’s insistence that this should be included in the misogynistic trope in slasher films, the survivor AND the killer are both women, so fuck any critic who lumps this in with the more generic women hating out there.

Yeah, I said it. Fuck the critics. Though if any of them hate the real deaths of real animals, I’m okay with that - and it turns out the snake death in the original F13 was real. And now I’m traumatized and hate the film, and Tom Savini for adding it in, just a bit.

As this was shot in 1980, the look of the film is definitely not slick and shiny, like more modern movies. Definitely lacking in the cinematography aspect. And I like that. All the films of this era look rougher, a little grainy, as if lost to time and not discovered until 50 years after being made. Even when they were new, they had the same worn appearance. I know that has to do with the filming ratio, film format, development, processing, and the actual camera used. I don’t know shit from poop in the technical side of the movie business. I just know I dig it.

While not a perfect film (honestly, very few of those exist), and not even my favorite in the franchise, it has its place in history and is worthy of its revered status. If you haven’t seen it, even if your resistant to ‘old’ horror movies, do yourself a favor and watch.

You know you want to. You like to watch, don’t you? Yeah...

Okay, wow. Let’s move on to the 2009 remake!

Remake 2009

We’ve got a similar story going - and by that I mean Jason is in it. Everything else kinda changed though. We get a quick recap, with different actors, of the final scene between Pamela and Alice from the original film. Then it goes off the rails. We see a quick shot of a youngster’s legs as he picks up the headless Mother Voorhees’ locket, then skedaddles (thereby confirming Jenny’s theory that Jason was there and witnessed the murder). Flash to present day to a group of young people hiking out into the woods to camp, and by camp I mean find the hidden pot farm from which to pilfer goodies. One of those is Whitney, and while the others are killed, she is kept alive for reasons unknown, but hinted at. Six weeks later, Whitney’s brother, Clay, is trying to find her, as the local cops are LESS than useless. He crosses paths with another group of young people who just wanna have a good time, but get caught up in the merciless murdering machine that is Jason Voorhees.

The story is okay. I can appreciate the filmmakers wanting to do something a little different from the original, instead of just throwing up a rehash. It’s like they took elements from several films in the franchise and mooshed them together (I’m not saying I liked it, but I can appreciate it). Pamela Schmamela, let’s get Jason in here right meow! That’s what the kids want these days! Which, let’s be honest, is mostly true. I do find Jason’s subterranean abode a titch more believable. I would think that kind of dwelling would be easier to hide in than some ramshackle ramshack in the middle of the woods (a la Part 2). I mean really, no one came across that bitch in all those years?

The film itself is much prettier than the original. Much more cinematic, the colors are brighter, the dark scenes spookier, as opposed to “what the fuck is going on? I can’t see shit!” While it doesn’t have the grainy look of the original film, the atmosphere of Jason’s domain is definitely rougher than the outside scenes. You can almost feel the mood shift while you’re watching. I also love the little nods to previous films thrown around, one being a quick glimpse of a wheelchair (poor Mark and the backwards machete to the face in Part 2).

While the acting is much better, it also seems like a wasted vehicle for some of the talent here. Richard Burton as the inept cop; Danielle Panabaker as Jenna; even Rosemary Knower as the Old Lady (she’s only in one short scene, but her presence is quite palpable and I wish her screen time was longer). Honestly, I only watched this because Jared Padalecki stars as Clay. But all of the characters, even his, seemed kinda shallow, and I didn’t really care what happened to any of them. There’s also a lot more douchebaggery going on with the characters in the remake, which added to my ‘couldn’t possibly care less’ attitude toward their fates. That, and the fucking weak ass, lame dick ending -  dear gods, did anyone actually think that was interesting or clever or new - really kept the score on this remake very low.

Funny story - I went with a handful of my writer group’s members to see this in the theater. 1) we were the oldest people in attendance; and 2) we were laughing through the whole film, while the newbs in the audience were screaming and shitting their pants.

So while there are some elements I enjoyed in the remake, it is a mediocre at best attempt to refresh a franchise that had gone a little silly in its longevity (I’m looking at you, Jason Takes Manhattan). If you want a proper introduction into Jason Voorhees and his mommy issues, watch the original Friday the 13th from 1980. Trust me. It’s better for your overall mental health.

WINNER: Friday the 13th, 1980