The Monkey Is In.

So be prepared. Bring a banana.

I'm a writer of horror and dark fiction. I've been doing this since 1999 and believe me when I say, it's cheaper than therapy and safer for the world at large.

April Hits & Misses

Okay just looking at the title I created for this blows. I watch a lot of YouTube videos and most of the beauty enthusiasts (I'm sorry but 'guru' implies a certain amount of mastery or enlightenment which should be reserved for Dalai Lamas, IMHO) do monthly Raves & Rejects, products that they loved and hated during the past month. As I'm more of a sarcastic brat, I think I want to give my reviews jazzier names. So for the stuff I hated, let's call them Go Fuck Yourselves, or GFYs. For the stuff I loved, we'll call them Panty Droppers, or PDs. If it's something that more so-so, or I'm still on the fence about it, I'll offer up a MEH.

Let's start with the bad, aka GFYs.

Revlon Colorburst Balm Stain (#025, Sweetheart): I'm not sure how the other colors in this line work but this soft pink color was patchy as fuck. Not sure if you can tell in the picture but my bottom lip had darker staining toward the inside but there's a spot right in the middle that didn't take any color at all. That's never happened to me before. Yes, the product was soft and silky and the baby pink color was nice. But when a lip product doesn't cover your entire lip in solid color, whether it be opaque or sheer, it's rather useless. It stains very well but when the coverage it patchy to start, you can bet your sweet ass the stain is patchy, too. This thing is going straight in the garbage and I probably won't try another one.

Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara: I've heard and read so many reviews about how fantabulous this shit is but for me? It's crap. It does make my lashes look great but within an hour or so the product smudges above and below my lashes. Even with eyelid primer and powder (I have VERY oily eyelids and skin) I can't get more than maybe 2 hours before I look like some bastard spawn of a raccoon and Lady Gaga. I'm happy that other people can use this product with no difficulties but it's just not for me. 

Sexy Hair Soy Renewal Creme Oil: It's basically a blow dry styling creme that claims to speed up drying time and keeps the hair conditioned and smooth with soy, argon and cocoa oils. It smells really nice but did absolutely nothing for me. Maybe it's because my hair is super processed that this light creme didn't work. I used it once so if you like this stuff, I'd be happy to gift it to you!

Now for the PDs!

It's Skin Babyface Pore Powder: I got this from the Memebox US On-Line store. This is a translucent powder that helps smooth out the appearance of pores on the skin and let me tell you, it works. Now that I'm in my mid-40s, my pores have taken on a life of their own. Pretty soon I won't have to carry a purse anymore. I'll be able to keep all my crap in my face. So when I tried this, not hopeful by the way, I was completely amazed at how my skin looked. It feels like silk with this stuff on! And don't get me started on the packaging. So stinking cute and it's on sale right MEOW.

Oreos: Who doesn't love Oreos, ammirite? Every now and again Nabisco comes out with new and interesting flavors for these little delectables. The Mint flavor tastes just like the Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. I'm not even exaggerating. They are phenomenal! I've seen these at Walgreens and Target. Go buy some. Do it NOW! (The berry ones in the picture are just meh. The filling tastes like very articifical berry and doesn't mesh that well with the chocolate cookie).


I've come across a couple products this past month (or so) that just have not blown me away. The product themselves are nice but they are awful on my skin.

LIPS: The NYX Butter Lipstick in Little Suzie (bottom swatch) and the NYX High Voltage Lipstick in French Kiss (top swatch). I love NYX products but these two colors look straight up orange on me. I've only swatched them a couple times on my hands and lips so if anyone wants them, I'll gladly figure out how to sanitize them and give them to you.

EYES: Maybelline Fit Me Concealer in #15 Fair. Again, I've heard great things about this product but my skin doesn't appreciate it. Under the eyes it seems like a decent concealer. Not that much coverage but it looks nice. Unfortunately, it settles into the pores around my nose like crazy. It looks like I have cream colored polka dots converging on my nose like some kind of skin care army from Hell. I'm going to keep trying it out to see if I can get it to work but I'm not that hopeful.

I probably had a few more products I could have thrown in here but these were the highlights. Hope this review helps you find new loves or avoid potential heartaches.

Oh wow. Too much cheese...I'll be better next time.